I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
