If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
