So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
