Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
