PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
