I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she told me i tasted like america
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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