plz talk dirty to me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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