Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
