Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
