You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
