goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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