I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
