i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
