meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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