It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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