rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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