He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
