Just fell off a train. Bad.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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