I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
