Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the day after is always just damage control
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
