I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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