she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
