I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
