Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
