but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
