My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
