He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
