Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My feet surprised me
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
