my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
