I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
