How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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