you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
