just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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