i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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