So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
