I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
