Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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