you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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