Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
