barbara walters just said penis...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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