Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
