I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
