Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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