Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
