i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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