roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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