I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
