My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
