I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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