I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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