Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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