y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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